My · worst · best · kept · secrets...

I think i wrote my hear out on my myspace blog already so I'll spare the details in this....(myspace.com/ducissa_amy)

I'm just trying to get throughthe weekend right now. I'll be throwing an easter egg hunt for 3 of the girls I babysit this afternoon which should take my mind off things. I stil have HW and have to clean my room. Have a few night terrors this week. not fun. Two nights ago I woke up thinking i still have an IV needle in my gut. How pleasent. I told myself to forget the dream within the dream about Patrick. It' worked. I guess my subconscience knows whats best for me as well. I deleted him from mym myspace friends list. I need to upload my newest paintings. My deviant art site is really sad to tell you the truth. My art has escalated sooo much int he last year.

Had fun watching Girl, Interupted on my new portable DVD player. I think I'm goign to buy some new DVDs at the store today or tommorrow. I need to go clothes shopping too. If i get into GSP then I'll be happy. If I don't I could possibly do sometime rash. I've worked so hard for GSA and GSP. If I don't get into either...I have nothing to do this summer
and then I quite marching band for nothign...

Maybe I could fly into Paris to see kristen...naw..too poor to do that.

I need to turn back time

wow...confused BIG time. apparently patrick broke up with his gf. But after all that...he doesnt waant to go out with me. I knew this would happen. I just knew it. I think i need to go and lie down. Maybe throw up a little. I wasn't sure if he was kidding or what. He seemed cheerful during the conversaiotn then it turned to a fast runon sentence about him feeling too bad to date anymore. I love him so much. I think something must have happened.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name)
Buddy Connecticut

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side, your favorite candy:
Juanita Rock

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name)
A-SC

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite animal, favorite color)
Chipmunk Purple

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Elizabeth St. Louis

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Schzzobud

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)
htebazile ozzop

8. PORN STAR NAME: (middle name, street you grew up on)
Elizabeth Connecticut

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive)
The Purple Escape

ABOUT YOU

NAME? Amy
AGE? 17
BiRTHDAY? 4-4-89
HEiGHT? 5'4
HAiR COLOR? DIRTY Blond
EYE COLOR? how should I know?

LOVE, SEX, RELATiONSHiPS

DO YOU HAVE A GF/BF? not sure
ARE YOU A ViRGiN? yes
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN iN LOVE? yes
iF YOU COULD BE STUCK iN AN ELEVATOR WiTH ANYONE WHO WOULD iT BE? Patrick Wise

FAVORiTES

COLOR? Tanzanite
SONG? can't decide
MOViE? tons
TV SHOW? that 70's show
MONTH? january
FO0D? cheesy salty greasy garlicy goodness....or highly sophisticated stuff
BEVERAGE? Diet Dr. Pepper
NUMBER? 23.2
TiME OF DAY? night



DO YOU...

SMOKE? no
DRiNK? no
SMOKE WEED? no
ACT LiKE A BiTCH/ASSHOLE? sometimes
BELiEVE iN YOURSELF? only on stage
FEEL LOVED? occationally


WHO...

WAS LAST PERSON YOU HUGGED? My Grandma
WAS LAST PERSON YOU KiSSED? Josh...ICKY
WAS LAST PERSON YOU YELLED AT?My brother
WAS LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO? MY brother....don't know why
WAS LAST PERSON YOU SAW YOU CRY? Josh....becasue of me
WAS LAST PERSON YOU MADE YOU CRY? Josh....
WAS LAST PERSON WHO SCREAMED AT YOU? My brother

iN THE PAST MONTH...

HAVE YOU DRANK? nothing alcoholic
HAVE YOU SMOKED WEED? no
HAVE YOU SMOKED A CiGGARETE? i'd die...allergic
HAVE YOU BEEN DUMPED? no
HAVE YOU DUMPED SOMEONE? of course
HAVE YOU GONE TO THE MALL? who hasn't?
HAVE YOU GOT iNTO A FiGHT? yea
HAVE YOU CRiED? all the time...


AT THiS MOMENT

YOU ARE WEARiNG? PJs!
YOUR MO0D iS..? don't even....I don't wanna talk about it
YOUR HAiR iS..? in a ponytail
YOU ARE DOiNG..? filling this out! duh!
YOU'RE MAD AT...? the world
YOU'RE HAPPY BECAUSE...?Who said anythign about being happy?

THiS OR THAT

PiNK OR GREEN : green
RAP OR POP : classical?
NiGHT OR DAY : night
WiNTER OR SUMMER: WINTER WONDERLAND
AiM OR PHONE : AIM
CHOCOLATE OR VANiLLA: chocolate
BLACK & WHiTE OR COLOR PiCTURES : depends on the picture
EMiNEM OR 50 CENT :eww? lets put on some Strauss
MTV OR BET :FOOD NETWORK
COMPUTER OR TV :computer
A FEW BEST FRiENDS OR MANY AQUAiNTENCES : many aquantences

Why I like him:

fun
smart
cares about me
flirts with me (never gotten that for real before)
great personality
problem solver
gives me chills when his gets near me and when he kisses my hand
I feel loved when I talk to him

Why I can't get over him:



He liked me back
He's my last chance at a relationship before highschool is over
He's different then anyone else (I can honestly say this)
Jealousy
that one kiss i gave him
I care too much about him
I must be selfish...

Josh never made me feel this way...
Why did I ever meet Patrick?

this is what...the like 5th guy who's led me on? holy crap....i guess im just...a guy-repealer? I dont know what I am right now. Patrick likes me a lot. I wasn't that interested in him at first becasue I was persuing someone closer to home, as the Reese thing didnt work out so well. I wanted to see what it was like to have a boyfriend....desperatly.....and one thing led to another. In conclusion i found that although josh liked me I wasn't at all into him. He wouldnt compliment me and when he did it would be becasue i begged him too and if i asked him why he liked me he would give me the same speech over and overagain, and get angrey when i asked.

When I broke up with him, I felt freedom. But not just that...I also felt a change. I was changed. something clicked. I changed my habits and my lifestyle alltogether. I am a better person for that. Becasue Josh was such a bad boyfriend I realized what i really liked.

Patrick had been flirting with me on and off even while i was dating josh and i didnt think anythign of it. I thought he was too conservative and different then me. I guess I was scared becasue Josh also turned out to be quite different then me and that's what caused the breakup. But then I thought back to all the converrsations that I ever had with Patrick and came to a realizatinon. I needed to meet up with patrick at KUNA.

So I did. I finally got to see him. Ofcourse, it was a bit awkward at first, but that was becasue i had never been in so close proximity with him before. Even at VAMPY, I didnt know him that well. But when I saw him get up on stage, and heard his speak, and saw his ...i don't know....power?....I felt like an idiot for never considering him seriously before.

When KUNA ended, I missed him...a lot.

He said he still liked me a lot...

and he even went so far as to ask me out again. And then he put me through a "test" that I passed apparently.

then he took it all back...the offer...everything

what's wrong with me?

I realize we live far apart, I realize we can't go on dates every weekend, but there are ways around that....I understand with reese (4 hour drive) but Frankfort?

If he like's me like he clams, then he shouldn't get hung up on little details like distance. And I think it would be nice anyway, if all else, we wont get bored with eachother if it comes to that.

I'm willing to ork with him. I was with Josh too. I guess its just a matter of if he wants to work with me.
Josh didn't work at anything and if he lived in Frankfort he wouldnt even like me becasue he doesnt want to get off his fat butt.

My vocal audition for GSA kicked major ass!!!!! o yeah!!!! My visual art auditions could have been better though. this is all backwrds from what i thought. I have another compeition tommorrow for winterpercussion. The one today went well but not the best. we gota 74.8 or something. Our gaurd got (insanely) a 91.8. Sometimes i wish i was in guard.

Still don't know whats up with patrick. i wonder if he'll talk to me tonight? prolly too busy. He might be too traditional to want to go out with me as we live so far apart. It woul dbe great to have him in town but of course.....that isnt possible with the luck i have. I think ill think about this more next week...my birthday !!!!!!